There are times in our lives that we are reminded by anniversaries. Many of them are good and are celebrated and filled with joy. But then there are those… Unwanted Anniversaries. I have a few of those. Today however I am lamenting over one in particular. The death of my dad.
Now, my dad was not the best man in the world. He didn’t win father of the year and he struggled most of his life to just get by. He was a drinker and had times in his life where he struggled with drugs. He could be down right mean. But here is what I love about my dad….
He Loved Me.
He cared about what happened to me even when he didn’t show it. He cared about who was nice or not to me and he cared about how others treated me. He cared that I had food to eat, a nice place to live, and decent clothing to wear. He cared that I was taken care of and not living on the streets. He cared that I had the medicine I needed for my asthma. He cared that I even had a dad at all. He didn’t run away. There wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for me if he could make it happen. He cared… He Loved Me.
Now some people would get stuck on all the bad. But forgiveness allows me to see all the good. Forgiveness allows me to love my dad back and allows my heart to be broken because he isn’t here. Don’t hold bitterness in your heart. Forgive. Because we all have someone we love that has broken our hearts because of their own brokenness.
What a wonderful dedication to your dad! It’s a blessing that you are able to look past the negatives and see the love he had for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you today.
Thanks Michelle!
Sadly, I can sympathize. A beautiful tribute to the love that sustains us in the face of pain.
I know that you more than understand Mark. Hugs!
This is a lovely tribute to your dad, a dad that loved you.
I get exactly what you mean about your dad. I too had a dad who was very mean. When he drank he got meaner. Thank God he had to stop drinking because of his diabetes. He died in 2012 and because of it, my life kinda spiraled out of control. We didn’t have the best relationship but the thing that I finally realized was, no matter what, he always loved me, even if I never gave him a chance to express it in the end.
I am sorry that you experienced much of what I did. I hope the realization that he loved you has helped you move forward in some ways. I too fell apart after my dad died and it took a long time to put the peaces back together again. Blessings to you!
Well I’m very sorry you experienced the same things I did. I don’t think anyone should have to go through that. Did the childhood experiences you had affect your parenting skills? And why do you think it is that after their death, our lives fell apart? Weird huh?
Growing up the way I did absolutely affected my parenting. Somethings I don’t do so well because I never had anyone show me how the right way…. the loving way. So I have sought out parents who have great kids and great parenting skills and talk to them a lot gleaning all kinds of information from them.
I have also been very aware of the normal things they do that trigger me into a fear state and have had to work hard to not let it happen. Crying when I was a kid got me in trouble. Crying isn’t bad, but when my daughter would cry I would get angry because inside it caused anxiety for me. I had to come to the realization that the reason I had anxiety was because I was afraid deep down inside something bad would happen. I had to learn it’s ok to cry and to have feelings.
Why do we fall apart when they die, I think it is because we have to keep everything together when they are here. Once they are gone it is like all that stuffing, holding in, being perfect just lets go. It is like letting the belt loose on pants that are just too tight, once you do, it all gives. It is now safe to feel anger, sadness and all the other feelings we have been stuffing all our lives. And we have not yet learned how to deal with all those emotions. So it takes time to learn, to forgive them and ourselves. Ourselves not for the abuse, but for adding to it with our negative thoughts about ourselves, our hurtful actions towards ourselves. See, we learned to abuse ourselves right along with our abusers. When they die we are the only ones left abusing… that is hard to reckon with.
We need to remember we are loved, we are precious in His sight and that He will heal us in the time that we need. We need to be patient and kind without ourselves.
Live is too short not to be!